The Amendments to the US Constitution Written For the Average American
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're S.O.L.
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can't possibly be important.
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you're black, female, poor, or a teenager.
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don't even get us started on poor female teenagers!
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!
Crap about the president and congress... boring...
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap you know.