Welcome to the Psych Ward Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please keep pressing 1.
If you are dependant on other people, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you suffer from multiple personality disorder, press 3 4 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please hold the line and we'll get in touch.
If you are schizophren, please listen very carefully and a tiny voice shall tell you what to press.
If you are depressed, whichever number you press, nobody is going to answer it.