My cousin Ryan died on Friday. I just found out this morning. I'm not sure what to think right now...

My Uncle is obviously taking it very hard... there's no way I can imagine losing a child- hell even a sibling. I'm basically an only child, since my brother was in college before I can honestly remember him being around. I have nothing to compare it to.

Ryan was 25, he's only 4 years older than me. That's too young for anyone. He was discovered in bed on Friday evening by his girlfriend, still in his pajamas. He seems to have died in his sleep, but obviously we have very little to go off of, as there hasn't been an autopsy yet.

I was never truly close to Ryan, we met no more than a dozen times my entire life at various family reunions, etc. He was always older, more aloof, and "too cool" to be seen tagging around with his little cousin. I don't blame him. That wasn't his style anyway.

I honesty don't know what to feel. I'm obviously saddened. But I'm more upset with myself for not feeling as hurt by losing someone so close. I guess I just haven't had long enough to mull it over. Perhaps I'll never know what I'm supposed to feel.

I'm not asking for condolences, or sympathy... And I thank you regardless for your kindness on that. Heck, thanks for taking the time to read this... It means a lot. I just wanted to talk to somebody about it. Even if my words just fall into the void.

I guess I'm saying thanks TEOTI. For being here when I need you... Even when I'm not sure what I need.