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Oxford, United Kingdom
Last seen 2 hours 51 minutes ago
Joined 1:00 pm 10/10/2006

About Me

Blog Posts

10:47 pm 03/05/2017

The Zoo - Shaven Primates (me again)


About a boy "stuck" on a desert island with his only possession as a tablet with a screen into the so called real world.

The Zoo

Playing so innocently with my friend (so innocent)
Secretly as the rules might offend (who's watching us)
I played my hand one too far (he's run away)
Am I to blame for his scars? (you've blown it now)

Stuck on Angel island again (lost the game)
The elusive youth collects the ring of shame (look at yourself)
He puts on the sacred dress (you're a mess)
It's such a mess.

Open the zoo doors;
The primates come about.
Shave off the fur,
Watch the world go out.
Open the zoo doors;
The primates come about.
Shave off the fur,
Watch the world go out.

It feels so wrong; this secret life (You're failing)
A story from pre-adolescent strife (So wasted)
These tinglings within were real (Don't face them)
But Mary’s fear kept them concealed (You're done for now)

Knees in sand, lost on that first kiss. (He's shaking)
That carnal urge from nature's darkest wish. (Hold back again)
A spark of joy, refrained within. (You're shot away)
Just another bird shot down by sin.

Open the zoo doors;
The primates come about.
Shave off the fur,
Watch the world go out.

Open the zoo doors;
The primates come about.
Shave off the fur,
Watch the world go out.

Open the zoo doors.
Open the zoo doors.

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2:35 pm 31/03/2017

(Let's get it all on the) Outside by Shaven Primates (Me)

Another demo for the album "shame" - vocals improved a fair bit because I realised that I should use instrument instead of line input! Holy moly...

Sort of a cross over of Tarantino meets Iggy Pop meets Minnie the Moocher- upbeat, precocious, simple, happy filler. I enjoyed making it


Do do do dododododoo
Do do do dododododoo

I'm just a beta man
Empty thoughts and no plan
Just got myself and my hands
Can't lie to that

Failure of love driven by lust
Bacchanalian urges unjust
Uncontrollably writhing must
Get that down tonight

Outside. Let's get it all on the
Outside. Let's all go
Outside. Let’s get it all on the
Outside. So we can feel at home.

Do do do dododododoo
Do do do dododododoo

Where to get cosy
This cuck ain’t looking so rosy
Taking in too many body
For this protozoan nobody

Who is the judge of me
A game of he, we, she, see?
These happy sassy lunatics;
Billy’s angels, the band of six.

Outside. Let's get it all on the
Outside. Let's all go
Outside. Let’s get it all on the
Outside. So we can feel at home.

Outside. I'm just a beta man.
Outside. Empty thoughts and no plan.
Outside. Just got myself and my hands.
Outside. Can't lie to that.

Outside. Let's get it all on the
Outside. Let's all go
Outside. Let’s get it all on the
Outside. So we can feel at home.

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4:50 pm 09/03/2017

Special Days.

To those who state that they don't need a special day for them to push forward of their own agenda, or denounce those special days as being irrelevant for those outside of their group:

I'm pleased for you - it is a great feeling to have that strength in self. I would say that some do, some don't. Some need occasional reassurance; empowerment. When these particular days of support aren't there, some feel lost within the perceived, inherited or enacted things they grow to feel as inadequacies that either they are forced to live with or not.

Black history month empowers those who may suffer emotional or verbal racist attacks in their workplace.
International Women's Day empowers those who have to be at their partner's beck and call every day lest they suffer violence.
World Mental Health Day for people in Africa who have autism and are branded as witches and live in fear.
Gay pride, does that need explaining?
Or even Christmas, Hanukkah, all respectful days that are necessary for people to feel spirited in their own worlds.

These days are still required, and some of them shouldn't have to exist, but they still have their place.

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12:36 pm 20/02/2017

Soft Reset by Shaven Primates (me again)

A story about meningitis and memory loss. I first wrote a version of this when I was 16, just before I went into hospital, and then finished that instrumental 6 months after, but I felt it was unfinished as most of what I put in was automatic and already laid out for me, and I found it impossible to come up with a new idea of my own at the time. It was like I was finishing someone else's song; a dreadful feeling to be honest, at the time. Now since last May I have been taking up voice training and got it together to write something in the style I'd been learning, and I finally finished the song, rewritten in my own vocals, with my real input and new ideas and thoughts. It was incredibly fulfilling and this song is now precious to me.

From the upcoming album "Shame". This is a demo and will be re-recorded later in the year with session musicians.

I’m redesigned with ignorance and bliss
But I can’t walk or talk for this link is amiss
She’s running and screaming down the sterile hall
But we’re through the worst of it all

Warplanes drone on through my brain
I see my swelling hands and peppered veins
Don't know who either of you may be
But I know you are something to me

Brain like a sponge for new and old
Delirious with consciousness doeth life unfold
Take me home from this seventh floor
This child just can not take any more

Nothing to smell or taste or comprehend
So thoughtless and free, no means to an end
A writhing, unconscious, possessed manatee
This expanding room contracts before me

Who’s that boy staring in the looking glass
He’s 8 years old and growing fast
He’s so glad that he’s lost everything
Now to claw it back and laugh and sing

Sliding gently through the magnetic tomb
Surveyed myself laid still across the room
Red is all the colour that I can see
Soft reset has taken me
Soft reset has taken me
Soft reset has taken me.

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2:22 pm 14/02/2017

So long and... fuck it, here's another song I did :P Mind by Shaven Primates

Livin' it up in the Hotel California...!

Let's just say things got on top but I'm sticking around, just a bit less than usual Quiet, flee

Here are the lyrics, by the way:

Was it all at our beck and call;
This foetus of all that we reckon?
Beyond mountains at night and snaking rivers blind
What is nothing?

A glass in my hand, shall we drink?
Do we feel and hold it at the brink?
Is the silver cord sliced; will butterflies devise
What to think?

See the scores of horses there,
Smell the tabun in the air,
Taste the liquor in your dreams,
Hear all the make believe.

It's in your mind, that's all there’s to be said.
It’s in your mind, those skies in your head.
It's in your mind, them before you obsessed.
It's in your mind, because love is all that's left.


Let’s hit reset, start from new.
Who would sense that wish would come true?
Those clouded winter stars seen searing past
For what it is?

Is this more than just celestial muse
Or a speckled craze cut loose?
Clutch my chest to resist, to confess, slip abyss.
What if?

See the tundra fall apart,
Smell the smoke in the dark,
Taste cold turkey cigarette break,
Hear that lonesome kraken wake.

It's in your mind, that's all there’s to be said.
It’s in your mind, those skies in your head.
It's in your mind, them before you obsessed.
It's in your mind, because love is all that's left.


It's in your mind, that's all there’s to be said.
It’s in your mind, those skies in your head.
It's in your mind, them before you obsessed.
It's in your mind, because love is all that's left.


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3:03 pm 23/01/2017

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

It is with a heavy, heavy heart after 10 or so years (and the rest I'd say), that I have to say that I am taking a major back seat from here; perhaps more. There has been too much in my life lately and too much riding on the ways of old for me that I just can't carry on being here.

A few family situations including my own with my therapy, my wife's and my mother in law's, plus taking the situation with Paul into account, means that this place has become too hard to come back to and take part in.

I have loved this place to the core. It has kick started my career, and helped me build up on it, and I have loved building this place. But I have to keep life very simple now. No more filling my brain with politics and news and ranting about this and that and posting quotes and proving your point and so on ad infinitum.

I have found a new love too - I want to just concentrate on writing music for the time being.

I now wish TEOTI the very best and thank you for your understanding.

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8:50 pm 24/11/2016

Answers on a postcard by Shaven Primates (by me)

Just finished my second latest demo, need to try it out with you lot. It's a more recent take on things - great to have music as such an outlet in my life again.

I want to re-record the vocals but thought I'd just put this out as the rough idea before I take it to work with session musicians in a studio so if anyone's interested in working on parts, I could do with a drummer, guitarist or bassist to work on this with.

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10:40 pm 28/08/2016

Child of Dirt by Shaven Primates (me)

I've been going through therapy the last 9 months as some of you may know, and have gone through a fair bit. One good outcome was realising depression had stopped me making music and making artwork, both of which I am working my way up to doing again - haven't done any of either for 9 years. This is a demo version, all done on Reason and I'm going to work on getting session musicians to replace the parts I made with real instruments, working up to getting a live act together. The vocals aren't perfect, and I haven't tweaked much, but I'm pretty happy that I am now more confident with music again.

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8:48 pm 04/12/2015

Mark and Marko do Oxford

Met up with Tricpe just now, had a great time chatting away, couple of beers, crappy British food

We went to the Bodleian library but they would only do guided tours to look around the place so we paid £1 each to walk in this hall and take a picture. What an incredible sight we have bestowed upon ourselves in said hall. It's where they did the hospital scene in harry potter, I kid ye not. No, it was a bag of shit and we could have got a half pint of Guinness for a more alluring atmosphere but hey.

I then forced him to walk past the Radcliffe camera, and great mirth was said and many a racist joke told. We mingled with the elite, pissed on a couple of homeless people and their mangy dog (might have been a child), then quaffed on the odd karaf of champers before we kicked in a few blacks who were simply asking us the time; the poor scum.

We went up St Michael's Church tower to see the city and the great spires. I shit a brick because it was so high up and the spiral staircase was enormously high and ridiculously narrow - this is where we were:

(That's a stock image of the tower behind that we were in)
We then went to the Eagle and child where the Oxford inklings would go; Tolkien, CS Lewis and Lewis Carroll, and had aa big grill and a couple of pints, talked about T9 and everyone on here and so on and what happened to stumpy or Allison or pvtpile or printf... Tricpe is a great guy and I think a great friend. It's amazing how well you get to know people here despite never meeting.

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3:53 pm 02/11/2015

Not an ordinary day in England.


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10:01 pm 23/05/2015

It's Beer O' Clock...

It's the start of my beer 'o clock UK tour! Sara bought me 12 of the best beers selected in as many parts of the uk for my birthday and I've just started on the Lancaster amber bitter - very smooth and malty and light. Letters and words might be dropped the further I travel through said tour, and there may well be varied high levels of emotion with each drink.

Onto the Stonehouse brewery station bitter! This one is nice and murky and rather more bitter than most. One may also use it to creosote one's fence.

The third...! Good times, BH by Williams Bros brewery. And this is a nice, strong, hoppy number. Almost as hoppy as the famed brewdogs. It makes me think of this one time I ate 2 burritos in one go and wasn't quite sure if I'd make it through the day, but was very happy at the time regardless with the pleasure of the fullness. I now strongly consider that as one of my greatest accomplishments.

I had another beer before here but it wasn't part of Sara's selection... Here in the picture you can see the Greene king east coast IPA cowering in the distance. Number 4 is the wagtail from Allendale, and this one just reminds me of that 5 year old Christmas pudding you thought you'd chance in case cakes actually ferment and age like a wine rather than go drastically old and poisonous like your old friends from school who spent more time worrying about their Ralf Lauren jackets than their future careers.

Number 5. No bubbles in this, nice and natural, cloudy, tastes like Lipton ice tea. In that you're saying you like cold tea for the first moment, but really you're wondering why with each sip you're keeping up with the pretence. The more I sip this, the more I think of people who think they're cool in Brighton rather than fogies like me and Paul (Paul is my friend's brother who is also drinking with me, but in Brighton, not Oxford) who actually know where it's at. And that is drinking ale at home on a Saturday night.

#6... Its okay. Nothing bold, nothing ambitious, it's middle of the road. Like a Jack Johnson album or listening to Philip Schofield. Nothing is going to hurt you here, but you keep wishing it would make the effort and stop turning up to your parties wearing a shirt and tie. The conversation with this beer wouldn't go beyond the weather; any attempts at politics and existentialism will just come back as "I don't know really" or "haven't thought about it long enough".

#7 Keel pale ale - this is a thing of beauty. It sits back with its 3.4% miniscule promise and yet delivers taste like you're unexpectedly standing too close to the rear end of a horse, bucked away with the mild yet not subdued whiff of flatulence emanating from a local meadow.

It's beer o' clock again - and this is number 8: Nutty & black. It's nutty. It's black. And it's a seriously nice beer. I would have expected this to taste like the swill clogged in the u-bend of a Marmite factory's urinal, but it really is surprisingly refreshing and less heavy than an IPA with a great taste. It reminds me of when I was in my smoking days at uni and I dropped a cigarette on the floor from about a foot away, only for it to land standing up straight with the lit part pointing up. At the time I thought this was one of the most amazing coincidences and that life itself must be tuned to these moments to trick us into realising that everything really isn't what it seems, and later sent me through a spiral of existential philosophy only to reach a null point. So in general the beer is like that; a bit nutty, and black.

Number 9! Upham stakes, and this one is straight from the afore mentioned Marmite factory; it's is very yeasty, and strong, and not great. There is no pleasure here. It is a slog. You might as well be forced to sit through the Britain's got talent live final whilst sat next to Richard Dawkins and Germain Greer tutting under the impression that it was your idea to watch this. It's that bad.

#10 - cheddar ale's Gorge Best, and this one isn't too bad at all. It's flavoured, but not offensive. Even an EDL member would have a hard time applying excrement laden typography to traffic signals in Bradford while intoxicated with this tipple.

#11 This one is fruity and rich without the bitter after taste. Because that is what it's all about isn't it? I... Oh gawd, how can I keep this up? There really is only so much you can day about beer before it all just becomes meaningless. Will anyone even listen to a f**king word I say? Do people actually listen to reviews or do you just have to be extra special? That's all you're going to get, Good Old Boy by West Berkshire Brewery; make the most of it. Yes, that's tiger bread with Philadelphia on it. F**k you.

#12… the old mill, and thank bejesus this bollocks is over. I can't believe you've actually spent the time to read this far to be honest. All I was doing was finding one adjective from a review to describe one drink and then going off on a ridiculous tangent. Surely you could see through that? Anyway, if you've got that far, well done, and apologies for the disappointment due to my inadequacy. Otherwise, read from the start and post hate mail as appropriate. Ale tastes okay though. The end.

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10:37 pm 21/05/2015

Our first house! (and a tribute to my Dad, the hardest working man I know)

We bought our first house last year - and got closure just 4 weeks after our second son, Jude was born. I had just started a new contract to pay for the work too! It was a stressful time, but really, really rewarding.


So this is what we started with... looks great from a distance

But there was no real bathroom upstairs - just this unplumbed steel bath left behind, and 3 bedrooms. No gas or radiators in the house, no kitchen.

And Dot Cotton's kitchen. Downstairs in the back of this is the wet room for the old bloke who lived here. He was a hoarder and stuffed the place with every old crap he could keep.

Apparently the upstairs was unreachable and he used to climb up the top of the house through the back window up a ladder


Anyway, got the keys, first day, first house of our own.


Dad met up with me first thing the next day to "have a look" and we had the idea that we were just going to remove the carpet tiles before he went to meet mum in town.

Left his tools in the front...

And we thought... "bollocks, let's remove this 70's fireplace with a whacking great bar"

He's pretty good at smashing stuff

Uncovered the original Edwardian fireplace...

This was all at about 10am - I was going to go home before 11am but then we thought... "bollocks, let's rip out the kitchen. Bye, Dot!"

Sink's out

These are the original Edwardian tiles under the fireplace

Cleared it up - looks alright so far

Ripped out the hardboard from the middle room wall aaand... Edwardian wallpaper..! Funny how they used to stick it with horsehair and other stuff

Front of the house is collecting up. Not bad for the first day...


That was Saturday... now Monday, let's knock this wetroom out.

Tadaa... got rid of the remains of the chimney breast too as it was pretty clear it wasn't doing anything to support the floor or anything else above

I got the vinyl wallpaper down... now we just need to steam off the paper underneath


We had worked out that there was a trapdoor in the middle room so a couple of days later we had a rummage in the tiny basement below... Joshua thought he'd have a look around too. We had to remove a massive length of lead pipe used for OUR WATER MAINS and replace it with sturdy plastic stuff.


By Friday... My Aunt Theresa got onto removing the wallpaper

Joshua checking out the electrics in the master bedroom

While dad got down to putting up plaster boards in the kitchen

And straight onto the plastering...


A week later, dad stuck the rads up in the middle room and pretty much the rest of the house other than the back rooms


And 3 days later Dad had the water pipes in place, the units and the flipping boiler! I helped him hold it in place and lift it of course.


Bit more pipework (copper), 4 days later, by Dad of course. Theresa put the units together too. Oh let's not forget the hardboard floor with insulation and rad on the right (out of view)


Next day, Theresa started on the painting

And Dad stuck together the work surface

"Bollocks, might as well plaster the fireplace today too (rendered it a couple of days ago).


2 days later, Joshua's room is painted by Theresa and myself (just the walls)


3 days on, Hob, oven (I ordered in), water's piped through (non-working) boiler, I went out and got a fridge, dad stuck the larder in the wrong place but I let that one go


Next day - bathroom. I smashed up the steel bath with a sledge hammer... christ, that was loud and the splinters go sodding everywhere


Next day, Joshua's tidying up dad's work surface joinery (day after)


2 days on... bathroom's pretty much plumbed up and all in.

Meanwhile... Jude is nearly a month old! And he was having a whale of a time staying up late!


4 days later, Dad started on the loft so we could move our stuff in. It needed re-insulating anyway and lofts are a godsend for just getting shit out of the way

It was scorching up here in June. Don't know how he does it!

Meanwhile, I stuck the doorknobs, doors, hinges and draws and all that IKEA bollocks on


Next day, Mum is pretending to be doing something while Theresa is still decorating. (She did paint the whole of the front room) not long before this.


And the day after that, dad got onto sanding and varnishing the floor in the hallway - race against time for him! This was 5 days from him and Mum going on holiday on the 20th! He was working 6-7 days a week on this and I'll never be more grateful.


Next day, dad cracks on with sanding the front and middle room.

Later that day, all done; Middle room: wow...

And wow...


And 2 days before the holiday, the gas people arrive toinstall the gas!


Joshua's adding the finishing touches


And the carpets...




And we move in...


Here's a bit of the old Edwardian window. We were looking at it while Dad adjusted the weights... You can see the carpenter wrote the name of the street in pencil on the side of it. Not sure about the relevance of the Roman numerals?


A while after we'd moved, I found time to stick the floor down in the kitchen with some glue and beer



we're all...


Front room again


I stuck some shelves up in the front room too, plus the opposite alcove and on the left in the middle room before we do the knock through

And now... happy boys.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay or reward my dad for what he put in - 6 weeks that took him, working 6-7 days a week! Electrics, gas, water, mortar, plaster, wood, everything. I know he did all that for me and my family. We did pay him, but not what you would normally pay even a regular worker, so I will spend the next few years finding time to pay him back for being such a great part of my life. A lot of that was his ideas too - we mostly just picked stuff to put in the right places. Right now he's designing and building a restaurant in Oxford and I'm looking forward to seeing that too.

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6:35 am 02/05/2014

Morris dancers in Oxford yesterday for May morning

Oxford is very traditional about May morning, and morris dancers are a big part of it, so I thought I'd share it with you guys!

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9:01 pm 25/04/2014

We made local news :-)

Learning can be fun when it’s about cats

UNDER fives learnt about different types of cats at the Ashmolean Museum yesterday.

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9:11 am 07/03/2014


Women go absolutely batshit crazy in the last month of pregnancy. This is a warning to all men.

That is all.

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