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know your whiskey

3 comments, 397 views, posted 2:07 am 12/03/2019 in Useful by HariSeldon
HariSeldon has 6945 posts, 3685 threads, 1033 points
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4:03 am 12/03/2019


Ok, let me impart some wisdom (well earned). In order of the info-graphic.

Bourbon: Great drink, found almost none lower than a five (even the cheapest). Screw the Mint Julep, go for an Old Fashioned. Most bartenders wish they could piss in your glass, but it's a truly challenging drink to get right, a throwback to an era before refrigeration. Straight bourbons range from 'hey I'm drinking something' to 'fuck, I drank what that other guy couldn't, then ice melted and I I threw it into a fire and it created a fireball (Bookers, highly recommended and true story). Makers Mark is the Target of bourbons. If I have to explain it, buy a bottle and relish in ignorance.

Rye: YMMV, but harsh. No real flavor but all the bitterness and burn you would expect from chlamydia.

Tennessee: Meh. JD, the king of the 'won;t call ourselves Bourbon' is okay. Fine Drink if you're board. Gentleman's Jack is a slightly more Maker's Mark version... but who cares.

Canadian: I have never met a Canadian whisky that didn't remind me of loosing my front teeth by being slammed face first into hockey ice (you know, that ice with the metallic tang of blood spilled by drunken Canadian hockey players who are living the best life they can under the tyranny of the Canadian light cycles... seriously, 20+ hours of light in the summer, 20+ hours of night in the winter... no wonder they drink kerosene!

Scotch: (Since I just went through Canadian whisky... Irish seems up to bat... I'll come back)

Irish: You see that part where it says 3-2 years? Change years to months... weeks... days... FUCK, CRACK THIS CASK I'M JONESING!!!!! These people almost died because of a potato famine yet the Russians created vodka. Need I say more? Seriously, only Canadian Whisky is worse (because of the filtration that adds politeness... Oh, you're drunk? Sorry Eh. NOT HELPING!)

Before I get to Scotch, I will address the missing whiskey, Japanese. Although surprisingly spicy, it's surprisingly spicy. Strong hints of black pepper and flavors you have never experienced before and never will again, Japanese whisky is a must-see stop on the elite ride to alcoholism. It's not something any westener will drink much of, but for those that already transversed even the most Canadian of whiskies it will be a unique memory.

Scotch (part deux): ti define Scotch is to render all winged creatures flightless. Sure there is the rare scotch, a pitiful and neglected thing exposed to the impatience of the Irish and Canadian. But even with the simple Dewers a tapestry will unfold. See, uniquely with Scotch, there is a flavor profile. Pre-taste (based on the expected odor), taste (the alcohol's direct affect on your tongue, the after-taste (the initial chemical reactions on your senses), and a series of after flavors as the complex chemicals degrade in your mouth. There was one scotch (can't remember the name, but was $75 a drink... I wasn't buying, LV was treating that night) that had at least six different after-tastes. I was talking to the waiter and six different after-notes kept hitting me. It was the night I fell in love with scotch, and LV was her pimp. There is determination and patience to those that brew scotch. It's not for the naive, and even the most veteran of drinkers can easily get offended by the peetiness of the most elite distillers. Just my 2 cents.

4:18 am 12/03/2019


I'm Canadian and I support that critique of rye and Canadian whiskey

2:58 pm 12/03/2019


Ack...had a nice long response but blew it. It's amazing how many bartenders can't make an Old Fashioned. Most can figure out an Manhattan though.

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